Your Daily Focus: Email
I picked up an incredible idea from a friend recently. They had been helping a friend deal with an email they received form their adult son that was filled with criticism. They needed help dealing with it and composing a reply.
Here was their answer: simply hit the reply button and then start editing the part of the incoming email that shows the message you received. Delete all the sections that contain any criticism and leave the sections with words of kindness and praise. Then add your reply to the top saying, “Thank you for your kind words… I love you too!”
This is so brilliant. Simply choose to see only love!
So here’s an example of what I am describing. The incoming email might look like this:
Dear Mom,
I really find it hard to say these words in person, but I wanted you to know how I really feel about you, so I decided to put the words into an email. You really upset me with what you did recently. I think it hurts my siblings, it hurts Dad, and you are a bad example to the neighbors. I think you should stop doing it, and you should apologize to everyone. You should go back to the way you used to be so we can all respect you again. By the way, I also want you to know that I have memories growing up of you being the greatest Mom in the world, and I love you for that.
Your son
So here’s your reply with the edited original email:
On July 13th, at 6:30 a.m., your son wrote:
Dear Mom,
I really find it hard to say these words in person, but I wanted you to know how I really feel about you, so I decided to put the words into an email. I want you to know that I have memories growing up of you being the greatest Mom in the world, and I love you for that.
Your son
On July 13th, at 6:45 a.m., you replied:
Dear son,
Thank you for your kind words. I feel nothing but love coming to me from you in your message. Thank you so much. I love you too… now and forever.
Mom
Brilliant! I imagine the intial response may be frustration that one is refusing to hear the words of chastisment, but that really makes no difference in the long run because you have created a shift in focus.
Hi Rick,
That’s not love, that’s neglecting someone. Acting superior and not being in touch with one and other. I think a loving reaction would be:
Dear son,
Thank you for your honesty and showing me a part I could not see. Thank you for helping me grow. And yes it hurts, but that’s ok. That was also the case with my laborpains when I brought you to the light. And what a beautiful child came to this world. And as I can see now: what a real friend.
Thank you so much. I love you too… now and forever.
Mom
While I like the concept of seeing only love; I would be upset if I got up the courage to tell my Mom how I really felt and she didn’t deal with it and talk to me about it and work to resolve it. I would feel like she didn’t care about our relationship or my feelings. Part of loving someone is also doing the hard stuff like admitting problems, solving issues and working on conflicts. Actions speak louder than words, words alone won’t build a relationship.
I personally see the love in an unfavorable remark. Even though it isn’t how you might like love to be shown it can’t all be hearts and flowers all the time or it wouldn’t hold a deeper meaning. If her son didn’t love her why would he bother trying to fix a problem? If he didn’t care he wouldn’t bother.
Raymond.
July 13,2011 at 7:34
The real love as I see it,came from the son,who disliked his mother’s behavior and aired it out immediately,rather than keep it silent of paint it up as good.
His truthfulness to his mother’s misbehavior will eventually make a big difference.
Thank You.
Rick,
That makes it all very simple, eh?
That is a great idea. There’s a couple of teachings that come to mind from your suggested response. One teaching is on your affirmation magnet which says “speak to no one of what displeases you, not even yourself”. The other one is the concept that whatever we focus on in another person is what they will show to us.
I think that it’s perfect for her to ignore her son’s judgment. Judgment is not love, it is judgment and that’s nothing more than a reflection of the person who is judging. It is best to not think about, or acknowledge the son’s judgment; and instead, put attention on the love.
The son can respond in any number of ways; the one way that will cause him to feel the best is to respond to his mom from the love he has for her. And then that will bring out more love, and more love, and so on and so on…
Someone very wise once said “all you need is love”.
Rick,
I like the idea of just picking up the positive and responding back with love and I think if there was a pattern in the son’s emails of continual criticism to the mother that would be a helpful response.
In your example, however, it seems like this was something difficult for the son to do and therefore unusual. And the fact that he ended it expressing love would incline me to think that this was not a pattern in his emails to her and that his concerns merit her thoughtful self reflection to see what truth might be present in his words.
Very thought provoking replies to this post. I like the idea of acknowledging the son’s feelings with a ‘…thankyou for your concerns’. Trying to teach our children, or children trying to teach parents how to behave, leads to resentments, condemnation, and defensiveness. Our spiritual goals would be best served by presenting oneself as an example of love and acceptance.
Hmmmm… Very Juicy post! Congratulations to all that took the time to write such great responses. I could really feel how insightful, intelligent, and kind everyone is. If I was the mom receiving the ‘suggested’ email, I think (hope) that would be all I needed to hear to know what it is that I needed to know…
Warmest wishes to all,
Kelly